Thoughts On: Too Hot To Handle

Jesus is the savior of this otherwise cringe inducing celebration of chastity and fake tits

There is enjoyment to be found in stuff that’s really, really bad and reality TV such as this has always been a guilty pleasure of mine…when watching it with people who I can make fun of it with. If you’re watching Too Hot To Handle on Netflix alone, unironically, you should reevaluate your priorities. Ingesting eight episodes of people richer and more privileged than you try not to bang each other by yourself is mentally and emotionally taxing, resulting in the ultimate degradation of the soul. I mean just look at these assholes. Luckily, the show is self aware enough to display their assholiness in all it’s comedic glory.

The pitch is simple: The world’s hottest people are put on an island, but that can’t do the dirty or else they lose money from the $100,000 prize at the end. First off, these are NOT the world’s hottest guys and gals. I have, in the real world, seen more attractive humans many times. Also, the guys are more attractive than the girls overall, which is extra disappointing. All these people have a history of meaningless hookups and an inability to make meaningful connections with fellow human beings. So, with the help of a Big Brother-esque A.I. named Lana (which is really just the producers watching the contestants through the dozens of cameras which are even placed in private locations like showers and bedrooms. The producers literally would’ve had to see everything. I don’t know what the fuck was in the contract everyone had to sign, but you know it was long as hell) the contestants begin their journey through “sexual rehabilitation”, as one girl puts it.

The premise is ripe for drama and sexual tension, all of which is delivered in a predictable and somewhat boring way. The show gets good when the personality’s of the contestants bounce off of each other in hilarious fashion. They’re all idiots, some painfully so, and watching horny, emotionally stunted person A interact with horny, emotionally stunted person B can become high comedy. The producers seem well aware of the product they’re making and highlight this aspect of the show beautifully. The witty shit the announcer says or the quick edit of someone darting their eyes can be truly funny.

Beyond the premise though, the actual rules of the game are never properly explained. Do people get voted off? Does one person get the money? Do multiple people? If so, is the money a community pot or will everyone be paid the full prize? How much money do different sexual acts deduct from the $100,000? What counts and doesn’t count as a sexual act? I didn’t get the answer to all of these questions literally until the finale ended. What’s amazing is that the contestants in their interviews express their lack of understanding of the rules themselves. Nobody, be it contestant or viewer, actually knows how the hell this thing works

Let me tell you something though. You see the picture of the beautiful man above this? He is the fucking BEST. I LOVE him. His name is Mathew but everyone on the show calls him Jesus (for obvious reasons) and let me tell you something, this man is why you should watch this show. The dude is basically a pseudo-smart yogi who’s brain has been fried by too much LSD coexisting with a bunch of frat and sorority members. He’s not smart, and also painfully awkward, but he’s a fucking genius compared to everyone else, and watching him navigate this situation is a god damn joy. Everything he says and does is absolutely hilarious and he really deserves a hug…

Spoilers in Bold

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

…which is why it’s a damn shame he decided to leave after failing to find love! God, this sucked. At this point I was honestly watching the show for this guy alone and when he left the show took a massive nose dive in my book. Everyone left was garbage! Except Kell…he was pretty funny.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Too Hot To Handle is everything you think it’s going to be and then some. It can be a funny ass show, more so than something like The Bachelor or Married At First Sight. I would recommend watching it with like minded people if you’re looking for something mindless to laugh it. Just make sure it’s not the last thing you look at before your impending doom.